Awhile back I read a tweet from Ramit Sethi about his ten rules for money. As I read it I began thinking about my own ten rules, not just for money but for life and happiness. As I reflected on this, I thought about things that have remained important to me over my life, but I also began to think in terms of the most important things that I want to share with my sons. For the past few weeks I’ve been working on this list, and I thought I would share my rules here.
Before I begin, a word about rules…we normally don’t like rules because rules are something that others give to us. I’m thinking of parents, teachers and bosses here. Try not to think about the word this way. As I’ve researched it, I’ve discovered that the word “rule” comes from the Greek word for “trellis.” A trellis allows a grapevine to get off the ground and grow upward, thereby enabling it to thrive. We need the same thing in our lives.
Rule #1: Put your trust in God.
I consider this to be the foundation of my life. God doesn’t call me to know everything or to get everything right. God invites me to place my trust in him; to walk with him and be guided by him; to be with him when times are good as well as when they are bad. When I look back on my life, on those times when things were most challenging, I see that God was with me. I have a lot of questions when it comes to faith and spirituality. I am a skeptic at heart who continues to wrestle with certain topics. But through the wrestling, I always come back to this fact: that no matter what I go through, I can come to God for help. One of my favorite passages of Scripture is Deuteronomy 31: 8. It says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” If there was just one thing that I could pass on to Adam and Micah, it would be this truth.
Rule #2: Decide which worldview that you will give yourself to.
As much as I believe the previous rule, I recognize that not everyone will feel the same way. And therefore, everyone has to decide for themselves which worldview out there to give themselves to. As Bob Dylan once said, we all gotta serve somebody. We may believe that we’re calling the shots, but everyday we give ourselves to other people, things, causes, etc. It’s the way that we’re wired as humans. The key is to make sure that you’re giving yourself to the right things. If you’ve never listened to David Foster Wallace’s 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College, I highly recommend it . You can listen to it at this link, and if you don’t want to listen to the entire thing, just start around the 17 minute mark.
I’ve come to the place where I believe that the best worldview that I can give myself to is Jesus and the Kingdom of God. So many people have baggage over what they think this implies, so I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that there’s not much that I can do to convince a person that this might be the best worldview for them. Instead, I live my life in a way that allows this worldview to influence me more everyday. I’ve shared more thoughts on this here.
Rule #3: Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I have always struggled with this, and I still have a long way to go. Asking for help signifies weakness, and I imagine most of us don’t like feeling weak. That has definitely played a role for me, but it was also about believing a lie that I was bothering people when asking for help. I’ve had to make a real effort to fight this lie.
When I think about this rule, I think in terms of everyday friendship, but I also think about the need for professional help. Mandy and I have been seeing the same therapist for over a decade, and I can’t begin to comprehend where our marriage would be without this. Sometimes a book, podcast, or conversation over coffee can give me what I need, but at other times I need something more. A friend of mine would often say that healthy people ask for what they need. I’ve learned this to be true.
Rule #4: Cultivate friendship
It’s good to have friends who can talk about sports and the weather and what you did last weekend. We all have those kinds of friends. What we need in addition to this are friends you can go deep with; friends who will on the one hand accept you as you are, yet on the other hand not be afraid to ask you the hard questions. Friendships like these are rare, and when you find one, don’t be passive. Invest time and energy, and don’t take it for granted.
Rule #5: Your interior life matters more than you know.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Much of life is all about what’s going on in the exterior of our lives. But it’s so important to take note of what’s going on within. When I think about this rule I think about character. I’ve heard character defined as “who you are when no one is looking.” While that is a part of a good definition of character, I feel like it falls a bit short. It focuses on the negative. It’s all about not sinning.
Dallas Willard, one of my favorite authors, says that character is what you do without thinking about it. You can have good character or bad character. We develop good character when we make good decisions; decisions that look to the good of others over ourselves. We also develop good character when we fail but then learn from our failure. Finally, just as a body grows healthy when more good things than bad are put into it, our hearts grow more healthy (and our character grows) when more good things than bad are put into it. As we cultivate our heart, we develop character, and character then automatically influences our actions.
Rule #6: Understand what fills your tank, and make no apologies for spending time doing those things.
So much of life is depleting. It’s important to know what things you can do that restore your soul. For me, it’s things like travel, hiking, biking, cooking, listening to good music, and reading a good book. I know it’s important to prioritize these kinds of activities into my schedule. In the past, when I have found myself getting burned out, I’ve often been able to point to the fact that I’ve been too busy to do these things, which is in fact a lie that we often believe. If these things fill my tank, then I need to prioritize them. I need to put them in my schedule just like I do a meeting for work. The first thing is to figure out what those activities are, as they’re different for every person. And then do them!
Rule #7: You will have fewer financial emergencies when you have money in the bank.
I learned this from Dave Ramsey, and I’m so glad that I learned it when I did. Most people spend every dollar they make. They have no financial margin, and so when an emergency happens, which it will, it can be devastating. When you have an emergency fund, you know that it’s only a matter of time before an emergency is going to happen, and you also know that when it happens, while you certainly won’t enjoy writing that check, you know you’re going to be ok because you have the money set aside. The emergency then doesn’t feel like such an emergency!
Rule #8: Never stop learning and growing.
Another way of saying this is, don’t forget to invest in yourself. Education doesn’t end when you graduate from college. Continue to read books, listen to podcasts, go to conferences, and learn from others. More than that, though, decide what you’d like to learn, and then set up goals for how you are you going to learn it. Find a topic that you’re interested in and go learn about it. There is more information and opportunities for learning than ever before, and it’s only going to increase. But you have to determine that you are not going to be satisfied with where you currently are.
Rule #9: Marry the right person.
I’ll admit that I’m being a bit sneaky with this one. The truth is that this is a tough challenge. How in the world can you know on the front end who is going to be a good fit for a life partner? Mandy and I are nothing close to the college kids we were when we met. But as we’ve grown and changed, we’ve done so together. At the end of the day, rule #1 (trust God) leads me to believe that there is some providence at work with something as important as marriage. But you have a role to play as well. As you date, think about the obvious things like friendship, attraction, and fun, but also think about common goals and vision. Have those kinds of conversations. I know that Mandy and I did. And as a word of caution, be careful about giving your heart away too soon.
Rule #10: Pursue Wisdom
This seems a fitting way to end this list of ten rules. At the end of the day, I want my life to be characterized by wisdom. Eugene Petersen says that wisdom is the art of living skillfully in whatever actual conditions we find ourselves. It’s an art rather than science, and it’s very practical. The book of Proverbs paints this picture of wisdom as someone offering to be your friend as you make decisions, navigate relationships, steer clear of temptations, and simply seek to be successful in life. I don’t know about you, but this seems like a good friend to do life with. There’s no money you have to pay and no test you have to pass to get this kind of friend. You just have to want it. You have to pursue it.
This was a great exercise for me, and I highly recommend it to others. It took awhile to settle on these ten, and a year from now I might organize them a bit differently. But I feel good about this list. These are things that have mattered to me for a long time. I’m not positive how or when I’m going to share these with my sons, but I’m definitely looking forward to figuring that out!