Category: Family

A New Phase of Parenting

Published by on August 18, 2023

I’ve been thinking a lot about the parenting journey that we’ve been on. Mandy and I have spent the last 18 years seeking to love, protect and raise Adam, with the goal being that he would grow into an adult who would make an impact on the world. I was 30 years old when he was born. In that moment a new level of responsibility was thrust upon me that was unlike anything I had experienced before. My main role in life was now to be a dad. Most days I had no idea what I was doing, but I took the on the job training seriously.

In those early years the primary task was just keeping the kid alive. Was he eating? Sleeping? Was he healthy? I remember when he fell off our bed. He was so little. And we were so scared. But he was ok. God knew that parents would occasionally allow their babies to roll off beds, so he created them with a bit of bounce. We made our share of mistakes, but we loved this child, and our biggest longing was that we would be good parents to him.

As he grew up and became a very active and busy boy, that job of keeping him safe only grew. There was a new level of independence in him where he wanted to do things himself. Our role was even more critical. If left to his own devices things would not end up well.

Not only did we have to keep him from getting hurt, but we also had to shepherd his heart. How would we help him when he faced rejection by friends? Or disappointment when making a bad grade in school? We hated seeing his heart hurt. This was often more painful than seeing him physically hurt. As we know, those heart wounds can last way longer than the physical ones.

And we knew that we while we would be the ones tending to those wounds, we would also be the ones at times causing them.

Boyhood was sweet. We managed to keep him safe and healthy. We managed to guard his heart as much as we were able. And then he entered the teenage years. Things changed. Our role began to change. It was during these years that he would begin to transition from boy to man. We had a big role to play in helping that transition take place in a healthy way. We would need to give more freedom. We would have to let go more often, which was tough since there were so many opportunities for him to get hurt. And not just hurt like falling off the bed. The hurts were getting bigger.

I did my best in trying to be intentional about guiding him into manhood. We had somewhat weekly breakfasts. We read some books and memorized some Scripture together. More than anything, my goal was to create moments with him. Moments that would mark him and that he could look back on. More than anything I wanted to be present.

Around a year ago I knew that we were transitioning to a new phase of parenting, and this new phase would be very different from the previous ones. It was now time to begin preparing to launch him into the world. It was almost time to let him go. During the last year I have at times felt like that 30 year old new dad who felt helpless and who most days had no clue how to do the job.

I have spent the last 18 years trying to keep my kid safe. And now I’m meant to let him go! That is such a strange shift. Over the last year I’ve had friends ask me how I’m doing in preparing for this transition. The one word that’s most fit is the word “weird.” It’s going to be weird when he’s gone. It’s going to be weird when we leave him in his dorm tomorrow morning. It’s going to be weird when I don’t see him virtually every day of his life.

It’s going to be weird. And hard.

But this is the point we’ve come to.

Last year we watched a documentary on Netflix called Our Great National Parks. Barack Obama narrates it. I remember watching the episode about Monterey Bay. It features Northern Elephant Seals. The mama seal comes to shore to give birth to a pup. For the next month her only priority is to feed and protect her baby. But after a month she has to return to sea to feed herself. And she leaves the pup to fend for himself. And then we learn that she’s never going to return to him. You see the mama leaving and the pup crying. And now I’m crying. Dang you Barack Obama.

Apparently this is the way that God designed things. I’m just grateful that I’ve had 18 years rather than one month.

In some ways I’m ready. For the last year our son has been itching for more independence. That’s how he’s been wired. And it’s time for him to leave the house. He needs it. And we need it. A year or so ago Mandy showed me a video of Jerry Seinfeld on the Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon asks him how things are going now that his oldest child is in college. Jerry said it’s kind of like having a baby alligator. It’s so cute. People come over to see the baby alligator, to feel its baby alligator teeth. But then some years go by, and the baby alligator becomes a big alligator, and at some point you say, “We’ve got to get this thing the hell out of here!”

Man, do I resonate with this. It’s time. It’s time to launch the kid into the world. It’s the right time. Adam craves independence because it’s time for him to take on more responsibility.

Adam is ready. He knows who he is. Though it’s weird and hard, I am able to let go in large part because I am confident that he is going to thrive in this next phase of his life.

I need to mention that we haven’t been on this journey by ourselves. We’ve had other parents to walk alongside. We’ve had grandparents and aunts and uncles helping us. There have been great teachers and mentors. Church communities and ministry leaders. We’ve had a community that we’re thankful for.

I don’t know what the drive home tomorrow will be like. I’ve never experienced this before. But I think we’re going to be ok.

Parenting with Vision and Intentionality

Published by on March 6, 2023

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting lately. My parenting journey began on June 13, 2005 when Adam entered our world. He is now a senior, and in less than six months we’ll be dropping him off at UT for him to begin his college journey. I pause to reread this last sentence and I admit that I have several different emotions. I’m excited for him. This is how things are supposed to go. But I’m also sad. It’s going to be so strange when he’s no longer living with us.

Parenting is no spectator sport. It’s the best job I’ve ever had, and it’s also been the most challenging job I’ve ever had. I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong. And I feel like I kind of stumbled into a lot of the things that I’ve gotten right.

One of my core beliefs during this parenting journey has been that God loves my kids even more than I do, and God is going to help them during those times when my best efforts simply fall short. That belief has been a foundation that has kept me moving when it seemed like I was on such shaky ground.

While I believe that there’s no way to be fully prepared for parenting, and that you’re going to get things wrong as much or more often as you get them right, I want to share two things that have helped me tremendously.

The first thing is Vision. Mandy and I were married for six years before Adam came along. During those times we were figuring out what it meant to bring two lives together. We moved across the country for grad school. We set up three homes together. We shared lots of adventures. And we also had many conversations about what we hoped for if we were able to have children.

One area that we talked a lot about was music. Mandy and I met and fell in love with music surrounding us. It’s always played a big role in our lives, and we naturally desired for it to play a big role in our kids’ lives as well. We imagined all of the different ways that music would surround our family, with an ultimate goal that music would play a large role in their lives as children but also as adults.

While vision is important, it’s not enough. We also need Intention. We have to make decisions that allow for the vision to be fulfilled. It means saying yes to certain things, and it also, perhaps more important, means saying no to certain things. After all, we can’t do everything.

We knew that there were two extremes that we could be guilty of. The first was forcing music down their throats so much that they ended up hating it. The second was simply doing nothing and just hoping that they vision would happen. We wanted to avoid both of those extremes, but we understood that in seeking to avoid the second extreme, we ran the risk of doing the first. But it was a risk that we were willing to take.

While both boys were little, our house was always full of singing. Mandy was a music teacher, so she had the goods. My guitar was always out. Singing silly songs was my specialty. Adam got his first drum set when he was two. It was a plastic set that didn’t last very long. He got a nicer one when he was three. Not sure this is something I would now recommend, but I guess it fit the vision. Adam’s favorite song at age 4 was “42” by Coldplay, which he called “The Ghost Song.” For Micah at that same age it was Mumford & Son’s “I Will Wait.” Both of those little guys would sing those songs at the top of their lungs. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m just glad they had good taste in music at such young ages!

Both boys began taking piano lessons when they were seven years old. And when Adam was 9 and Micah was 6 we purchased a baby grand piano. This was an expensive investment into the vision, but it was one of the best purchases we’ve ever made. And to this day that piano is played by someone in our house every day.

During the pandemic the boys stopped piano lessons. To give a bit of accountability, Mandy offered to pay the boys $5 for any song they learned, and $10 for any original song they wrote. They both took her up on this offer, and as a result started playing even more.

So where are we now? Micah is in the American Music Ensemble at his school. He’s one of only two 8th graders who have ever been invited to join this high school rock band. He plays keys. And Adam has shifted to electric guitar as his primary instrument. He told me yesterday that he’s made some videos on the Ultimate Guitar website, and he has several hundred views. I think we’re at a point where music is going to be a part of their lives. We don’t make them sit down and practice. That needed to happen when they were younger, but it’s no longer needed. They play music now because they enjoy it.

This vision and intention has played a role in other facets of our family’s life. We’ve created rhythms around fun activities, travel, reading, sports, academics and faith. Within all of these vision would lead the way, with intention following closely behind.

I will admit that this last one is a tricky one, primarily because of that first extreme I mentioned earlier. When I moved to Memphis after being in California for several years, one of the things that caught me off guard was how many people I met who felt like religion had been shoved down their throats. There was so much hurt and trauma. And because of that they really wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t want that to happen to my kids, but I also knew that doing nothing was not a healthy option. Once again, we had to risk the first extreme in order to avoid the second.

If I’m being honest, I’d say this one is a mixed bag. Our boys haven’t had some of the opportunities that Mandy and I had when we were teenagers. There aren’t that many kids their ages in our current church. But we’ve sought to supplement where we could. Mandy created a youth ministry collaboration with some other churches a few years ago. We’ve gotten involved with YoungLife at both of their schools. And we’ve sought to encourage our boys to get to know and have mentors from other generations. I’m so grateful for the men and women who have invested in our boys’ lives.

This weekend was a great parenting moment. I had signed up for a men’s retreat at our church. On Friday Mandy texted to ask if I had considered inviting Adam. The thought had crossed my mind a week earlier, but I had just assumed that he wouldn’t be interested. But I decided to ask. He was at school, so I just texted him. I told him that he would be the youngest one there, although he was closer to a lot of their ages than I was. (Yes, I’m one of the older ones at our church). Within about a minute he texted that he’d love to come with me. I was surprised but thrilled.

The weekend was a powerful one. He was around guys who are far from perfect but who are doing the work, and they were vulnerable in sharing about that work. Our retreat ended with writing and then speaking blessings over one another. When it got to Adam’s turn half of the group of men had written blessings for him. By the time it was my turn I was so overwhelmed that I could barely read the words that I had written to him. It was such a moving experience to have these men speak such powerful words over my son. And I believe that it will be an experience that will shape the rest of his life. As we were leaving he told me that he had never had a group of adults treat him like an adult instead of a kid. And when I got home that night Micah asked if he’d be able to go in a few years!

When I retired from vocational ministry a few years ago, one of the main reasons was that I was on the verge of burnout, and I knew that if I continued to live life the way I was living it, which was not working for myself or for those around me, then I was going to risk falling short in my primary job of being a dad. I knew I was coming to the critical teenage years, and I needed to be present and healthy. If I was a hollow version of myself, I was going to be unable to give them what they needed from me. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but it was needed, and I’m thankful for the courage to make it. I’m grateful for these years. I’ll never get them back. And I’m grateful for this parenting journey. For those of you also on this journey, or for those of you who desire to be on this journey one day, I hope that reading this part of my story has been encouraging to you!

2022 Grisham Update

Published by on December 2, 2022

As we near the end of another year, I thought I would take some time to reflect. It’s been a really good year, and one with thankfully far fewer transitions and scares.

Mandy has had a very healthy year. It’s been a little over a year since her SCAD heart attack, and she has had no issues. She’s been able to taper off of just about all of her medication, and has had no limitations. In June she celebrated a year in her new job as executive pastor at Christ City Church. She is a part of a great team there, and she’s able to use gifts, skills and passions in a way that she wasn’t able to do while she was a teacher. She’s doing a great job.

This summer she also took on a part-time side hustle gig. She is now the executive director of Memphis Choral Arts, which is the choir that she and I have been a part of for ten years. She is bringing those same gifts and skills to help this great organization.

This fall Adam began his senior year. It’s the countdown to college. Some days I feel really good about this. Other days I already feel the sadness of him leaving. What helps me process that is knowing that he’s ready. He’s been accepted to two universities already, and we expect a couple more this month. He continues to play soccer and his coach named him season MVP. He has enjoyed watching the World Cup, and is eagerly anticipating the coming spring season. He raised $2500 for St. Jude in March through a run-a-thon and was celebrated at the St. Jude Leadership Society conference this summer. He continues to develop his musical skills on both the electric guitar and piano. He’s gotten very good on both.

Micah is in his 8th grade year at St. George’s Independent School. He’s on the soccer team, the swim team, and he plays keys in the middle school rock band. The music teachers gave him the Middle School Band award in May. Mandy and I love watching him create, whether it’s new music on the piano or through visual arts. We’re going to be making high school decisions in January. Micah joined Adam in mowing a lot of lawns this summer, which means that they made a lot of money. Mandy and I are very proud of both of them, as they’re both such hard workers.

I’ve continued my real estate work this year. I split my time between being an agent who helps buyers and sellers and as a developer. We have just finished up a construction project where we built a 1500 sq ft house and three 500 sq ft “tiny” houses. Last month I taught my first Mastering Money workshop at our church. More details to come on this, but I hope to teach it at a few other churches this next year.

As is our normal custom, we built some great memories through travel this year. Highlights were Gatlinburg in the spring, Switzerland in the summer, and Acadia this fall. In all three we did lots of hiking, eating and laughing.

Finally, I must mention the newest edition to our family. We brought Sophie home in November. She is a four pound Coton de Tulear, and she is very sweet. It has taken some adjustment from all of us (Bella included) to get used to having a puppy around, but we all love her.

Our hope for you this holiday season is that you would create some space to reflect on the good things in your life and to be reminded of the radical way that God changed the world forever that first Christmas!

30 Hours in Chicago

Published by on September 21, 2022

Our first trip to Chicago was a little over six years ago. Since that time we’ve been back almost once per year. I took the boys by myself five years ago. It’s still hard to believe that I pulled that one off. The next three Decembers Mandy and I took quick trips, coming to realize that if you can get over the cold, it was a great time to travel due to affordable hotel rates and the Christkindlmarket. And then this summer the four of us spent a couple of days there before going to Switzerland.

Several months ago Mandy heard that the musical version of The Notebook was premiering in Chicago this fall. She is a big fan of the book, movie, and of Ingrid Michaelson, who wrote the music and lyrics. So we booked tickets, flights and a hotel for one night.

Before getting into the specifics of this trip, let me tell you some reasons we have made such a habit of going to Chicago. First, it’s a quick nonstop flight from Memphis. Second, the food is great. Third, Southwest’s flight schedule enables us to get there in the morning and leave the next night, meaning we get most of two days there yet only stay one night.

This past Friday morning we got the boys off to school, finished packing, and drove to the airport. We opted for the $6/day economy parking over paying for two Uber pickups. My roundtrip flight set me back 16,000 Southwest points. Mandy’s flight was free since we have the Companion Pass this year and next.

We landed in Chicago around 1pm and then took the Orange Line train downtown. You can get a public transportation day pass for $5. This includes the train from the airport, plus trains and buses downtown. We walked a couple of blocks to Shake Shack (always a winner), then walked a couple more blocks to the Hyatt Centric. One night there cost us 15,000 Hyatt points, which I transferred from Chase. Note: if you’d like to know more of my travel hacking strategy, check out this page.

After resting for a bit we walked four blocks to have dinner at Quartino, our favorite restaurant in Chicago. As is my custom, I ate a bit too much, but it was ok, because we needed to walk a few blocks in order to catch a bus to Navy Pier, which is where the Chicago Shakespeare Theater is located. The Notebook was fantastic. The venue, music and performances were top notch, and I’m sure it is going to do great on Broadway.

On Saturday morning we chilled out at the hotel for a few hours. At 11:00 we checked out, left our luggage at the hotel, and walked a few blocks to RL Restaurant, another of our favorite restaurants. It’s all about the ambiance in this place. You’ll have to see it for yourself, but check out the link for a few photos.

From there we had a few hours to shop on Magnificent Mile, but since neither of us were that into shopping at the moment, we hung out at the Starbucks Reserve Roastery, where we enjoyed good coffee, a pastry, and some time to catch up on reading.

Our final hours in Chicago were spent on an Architectural walking tour that I booked through Airbnb Experiences. Mandy and I highly recommend this. We learned so much about Chicago, explored places we would have never discovered on our own, and saw some amazing architecture and art. Our favorite stops would have to be the Chicago Cultural Center and the Chicago Athletic Association, which is now a Hilton hotel. Check out this video about the Chicago Cultural Center.

Mandy walked a couple of blocks to the train station, and I walked back to the hotel to get our luggage, then took a bus to the train station. From there we took the train back to the airport, took the short flight to Memphis, and were back home by 11pm. We were pretty tired, but it was a great trip!

Summer 2022 – Zurich

Published by on June 24, 2022

Our Switzerland adventure has come to a close. We arrived back in Chicago at 6pm CST, which felt to us like 1am. We watched part of the NBA Draft, and I think we were all asleep a little after 8pm, which means that I’ve been up since before 4am! I’m currently in the lobby of the Hyatt Place where we’re staying, and me and a few other guys are eagerly awaiting the coffee to finish brewing!

Being up means that I can write my last blog post. We only had one full day in Zurich, but I think we really made the most of it.

After breakfast we visited the FIFA Museum. It’s such a well done museum. We all really enjoyed our time there.

After that we ate lunch and then went to the Lindt Home of Chocolate. Oh my.

We purchased our tickets online, and we had a set time to enter. Once we entered we went through different exhibits on how chocolate is made, and specifically the Swiss connection to chocolate. After that you come to a room where you get to sample liquid and solid chocolates. A second room has various Lindt chocolates you can sample.

You can tell by this last photo that Micah really loves chocolate.

We got to walk off our chocolate calories in Old Town after this.

We ended our day by visiting Fraumünster, a church that was founded in 853. During the Reformation Zwingli often preached in this church. Today the church is famous for its Chagall stained glass. I was afraid that the boys would be sick of museums, but they enjoyed the audio tour.

In closing, I’m really grateful that we could spend this much time in one country. Traveling in a foreign country has its share of challenges, and there were times that we were tired and lacked patience with each other, but I’m grateful for the memories that were made!

Summer 2022 – Montreux

Published by on June 23, 2022

Over the last few days we’ve been listening to quite a bit of Queen. Why is that? Well, it’s because we spent two days in Montreux. In the center of town is a statue of Freddie Mercury. Montreux was his second home, and it was where the band recorded seven of their albums.

Montreux is a charming town on Lake Geneva. Whereas Zurich, Lucerne and the towns in the Lauterbrunnen Valley are German in language and culture, Montreux is French. I’m pretty amazed by the Swiss people, most of whom speak at least two languages. Key words there are “most” and “at least.”

As I write this, Memphis is experiencing much hotter than normal weather. But when I write that it was really hot in Montreux, understand that this is a hot without central AC. We stayed at Hotel Splendid. I had requested a lake view room, and boy did we have that. But we checked in around 4pm, and the blinds had been left up so that we could see the amazing view. This also meant that the sun had beating down on the room for the past few hours. For our close to 40 hours there that room felt more like a sauna than a comfortable hotel room.

That’s all of my complaining. We did have a fun time in Montreux despite the heat. Highlights included eating gelato several times, going to the Queen Studio Experience, swimming in Lake Geneva, and visiting Chateau de Chillon. Here are some photos!

Summer 2022 – Mürren

Published by on June 19, 2022

We had a few hours to kill between checkout in Wengwald and check-in in Mürren, so we took the train to Lauterbrunnen, left our luggage at the train station, and then took a train to Brienz. From there we took a ferry across Lake Brienz to Hotel Geissbach. Geissbach Falls is there.

Four years ago we did the ferry cruise and saw the bottom of the water fall. We didn’t realize that there was a hotel until we saw it on the Amazing Race. This time we took a funicular up the mountain and saw the hotel plus more of the water fall. Both are impressive.

We checked into our apartment in Mürren. After getting settled, I went to get a few groceries from the Coop. We had some sausage and cheese, so I bought some fresh bread, and we had a nice little picnic dinner.

On our first full day in Mürren we did the flower trail. This was a favorite from last time we were there. Unfortunately the hidden playground was closed. That evening we hiked down to Gimmelwald and had pizza at the local hostel. We then took the gondola back up to Mürren.

The next day was a highlight for me. I took the train and then cable car down to Lauterbrunnen, where I rented an electric bike for the morning. My plan was to ride through Lauterbrunnen, then ride up the mountain to Mürren. After riding awhile in the mountains, I would ride to Grutschalp and take the cable car back down to Lauterbrunnen. Unfortunately, once I was ready to start going up the mountain, my directions led to a trail with lots of stairs. I couldn’t figure out where to go, so I improvised.

I biked back through Lauterbrunnen, and then kept going to Interlaken. I met others who were doing the same ride, so we helped each other navigate from time to time. The trail is next to the train track and the river, so the entire ride was beautiful. Interlaken is around 800 feet below Lauterbrunnen, so that made the ride tons of fun. It’s also why I decided to take the train back to Lauterbrunnen.

Once I got back Adam decided he wanted to do the North Face trail by himself. He did it much faster than when we all did it. Then we went out for dinner at the Eiger Guesthouse. They had great pizza and pasta.

Next up is Montreux.

Summer 2022 – Wengwald

Published by on June 17, 2022

We are a little over halfway finished with our Switzerland trip. We spent five nights in Wengwald, in the same chalet where we stayed four years ago. The photo above is from this spot steps from our door that we just can’t get enough of.

On our first full day we met up with Josh, Ginger and Patrick Spickler to hike what is probably my favorite hike. We met up in Wengen, took the cable car to Männlichen, and hiked to Kleine Scheidegg. Here are a few photos.

That evening, Mandy and I took the train to Wengen to celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary over some yummy fondue.

The next day was a rainy day, but we did make it down to Lauterbrunnen, where we took in lots of great waterfalls, including Trümmelbach Falls. That evening we hiked up to our favorite spot and the boys built a fire. We also got to celebrate Adam’s 17th birthday. It feels so weird to even type that.

On Wednesday morning we took the train down to Lauterbrunnen, then rode a cable car up to Grütschalp, followed by a train to Mürren. We took a funicular up to Allmendhubel, where there’s a fun view and awesome views. From there we set out on the North Face trail. It was a tough but rewarding hike. At one stop we purchased some amazing cheese and sausage.

It was unfortunately a little rainy our last full day in Wengwald. I decided to do a solo hike from Männlichen to Kleine Scheidegg, but once I got up there I found out that the trail was closed. So I camped out at what is now my favorite coffee shop and caught up on some reading. The boys hung out in their room. No matter where you find yourself, the views are inspiring.

After five nights in Wengwald, it’s time to move on. You can tell by this photo that Micah is sad that we’re leaving Wengwald. It’s ok Micah. We’re heading to Mürren next!

Summer 2022 – Lucerne

Published by on June 11, 2022

As we were planning this trip we were looking for somewhere to go in between the Zurich airport and the Jungfrau region. We had a few options, with Lucerne being one of them. We went with Lucerne, but it was mostly just a precursor for what was to come. I have to say that my expectations were much too low. This is my kind of city. As much as I love where we’re heading today, I don’t think I could live in a carless village for the rest of my life. But a city like Lucerne totally fits me. The population is around 80,000. At the center of the city is a beautiful train station. And from there hybrid buses can take you anywhere you want to go. I may not be up for a carless village, but perhaps a carless city! There’s also a river running through the city, complete with wooden bridges dating back almost 700 years.

It’s 8am, and I’m sitting on the rooftop terrace of our apartment. The photo above is my view. The only sounds I hear are birds chirping and church bells ringing. It’s wonderful.

Here are a few photos from this part of our trip. In a few hours we board a train for Interlaken.

Summer 2022 – Chicago

Published by on June 10, 2022

Today is post #1 on our epic summer adventure. Our trip will take us to Chicago and then on to Switzerland. In Switzerland we’ll spend time in Lucerne, Wengwald, Murren, Montreux, and Zurich. If you want to know more about the planning of this trip, check out this post.

We began our vacation with a quick trip to Chicago. Here are our smiling faces as we were getting ready to leave Memphis International Airport, which, by the way, has undergone a fantastic renovation. Top notch!

While in Chicago we did some of our favorite things. We ate at Quartino.

We went to Navy Pier to ride the 200 ft Centennial Wheel.

And we went to Millenium Park to see the Bean.

On Wednesday night we took the train to O’Hare for an overnight flight to Copenhagen, and then, after a quick layover, a second flight to Zurich. I don’t like overnight flights. As much as I’d like to sleep, I just can’t do it. The boys on the other hand did quite well.

What you see there is a pillow, then Adam’s head, then another pillow, and then Micah’s head. Aren’t they sweet.

We are currently in Lucerne, about to go out for the evening. My next post will feature this awesome city.