I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting lately. My parenting journey began on June 13, 2005 when Adam entered our world. He is now a senior, and in less than six months we’ll be dropping him off at UT for him to begin his college journey. I pause to reread this last sentence and I admit that I have several different emotions. I’m excited for him. This is how things are supposed to go. But I’m also sad. It’s going to be so strange when he’s no longer living with us.
Parenting is no spectator sport. It’s the best job I’ve ever had, and it’s also been the most challenging job I’ve ever had. I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong. And I feel like I kind of stumbled into a lot of the things that I’ve gotten right.
One of my core beliefs during this parenting journey has been that God loves my kids even more than I do, and God is going to help them during those times when my best efforts simply fall short. That belief has been a foundation that has kept me moving when it seemed like I was on such shaky ground.
While I believe that there’s no way to be fully prepared for parenting, and that you’re going to get things wrong as much or more often as you get them right, I want to share two things that have helped me tremendously.
The first thing is Vision. Mandy and I were married for six years before Adam came along. During those times we were figuring out what it meant to bring two lives together. We moved across the country for grad school. We set up three homes together. We shared lots of adventures. And we also had many conversations about what we hoped for if we were able to have children.
One area that we talked a lot about was music. Mandy and I met and fell in love with music surrounding us. It’s always played a big role in our lives, and we naturally desired for it to play a big role in our kids’ lives as well. We imagined all of the different ways that music would surround our family, with an ultimate goal that music would play a large role in their lives as children but also as adults.
While vision is important, it’s not enough. We also need Intention. We have to make decisions that allow for the vision to be fulfilled. It means saying yes to certain things, and it also, perhaps more important, means saying no to certain things. After all, we can’t do everything.
We knew that there were two extremes that we could be guilty of. The first was forcing music down their throats so much that they ended up hating it. The second was simply doing nothing and just hoping that they vision would happen. We wanted to avoid both of those extremes, but we understood that in seeking to avoid the second extreme, we ran the risk of doing the first. But it was a risk that we were willing to take.
While both boys were little, our house was always full of singing. Mandy was a music teacher, so she had the goods. My guitar was always out. Singing silly songs was my specialty. Adam got his first drum set when he was two. It was a plastic set that didn’t last very long. He got a nicer one when he was three. Not sure this is something I would now recommend, but I guess it fit the vision. Adam’s favorite song at age 4 was “42” by Coldplay, which he called “The Ghost Song.” For Micah at that same age it was Mumford & Son’s “I Will Wait.” Both of those little guys would sing those songs at the top of their lungs. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m just glad they had good taste in music at such young ages!
Both boys began taking piano lessons when they were seven years old. And when Adam was 9 and Micah was 6 we purchased a baby grand piano. This was an expensive investment into the vision, but it was one of the best purchases we’ve ever made. And to this day that piano is played by someone in our house every day.
During the pandemic the boys stopped piano lessons. To give a bit of accountability, Mandy offered to pay the boys $5 for any song they learned, and $10 for any original song they wrote. They both took her up on this offer, and as a result started playing even more.
So where are we now? Micah is in the American Music Ensemble at his school. He’s one of only two 8th graders who have ever been invited to join this high school rock band. He plays keys. And Adam has shifted to electric guitar as his primary instrument. He told me yesterday that he’s made some videos on the Ultimate Guitar website, and he has several hundred views. I think we’re at a point where music is going to be a part of their lives. We don’t make them sit down and practice. That needed to happen when they were younger, but it’s no longer needed. They play music now because they enjoy it.
This vision and intention has played a role in other facets of our family’s life. We’ve created rhythms around fun activities, travel, reading, sports, academics and faith. Within all of these vision would lead the way, with intention following closely behind.
I will admit that this last one is a tricky one, primarily because of that first extreme I mentioned earlier. When I moved to Memphis after being in California for several years, one of the things that caught me off guard was how many people I met who felt like religion had been shoved down their throats. There was so much hurt and trauma. And because of that they really wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t want that to happen to my kids, but I also knew that doing nothing was not a healthy option. Once again, we had to risk the first extreme in order to avoid the second.
If I’m being honest, I’d say this one is a mixed bag. Our boys haven’t had some of the opportunities that Mandy and I had when we were teenagers. There aren’t that many kids their ages in our current church. But we’ve sought to supplement where we could. Mandy created a youth ministry collaboration with some other churches a few years ago. We’ve gotten involved with YoungLife at both of their schools. And we’ve sought to encourage our boys to get to know and have mentors from other generations. I’m so grateful for the men and women who have invested in our boys’ lives.
This weekend was a great parenting moment. I had signed up for a men’s retreat at our church. On Friday Mandy texted to ask if I had considered inviting Adam. The thought had crossed my mind a week earlier, but I had just assumed that he wouldn’t be interested. But I decided to ask. He was at school, so I just texted him. I told him that he would be the youngest one there, although he was closer to a lot of their ages than I was. (Yes, I’m one of the older ones at our church). Within about a minute he texted that he’d love to come with me. I was surprised but thrilled.
The weekend was a powerful one. He was around guys who are far from perfect but who are doing the work, and they were vulnerable in sharing about that work. Our retreat ended with writing and then speaking blessings over one another. When it got to Adam’s turn half of the group of men had written blessings for him. By the time it was my turn I was so overwhelmed that I could barely read the words that I had written to him. It was such a moving experience to have these men speak such powerful words over my son. And I believe that it will be an experience that will shape the rest of his life. As we were leaving he told me that he had never had a group of adults treat him like an adult instead of a kid. And when I got home that night Micah asked if he’d be able to go in a few years!
When I retired from vocational ministry a few years ago, one of the main reasons was that I was on the verge of burnout, and I knew that if I continued to live life the way I was living it, which was not working for myself or for those around me, then I was going to risk falling short in my primary job of being a dad. I knew I was coming to the critical teenage years, and I needed to be present and healthy. If I was a hollow version of myself, I was going to be unable to give them what they needed from me. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but it was needed, and I’m thankful for the courage to make it. I’m grateful for these years. I’ll never get them back. And I’m grateful for this parenting journey. For those of you also on this journey, or for those of you who desire to be on this journey one day, I hope that reading this part of my story has been encouraging to you!