I first heard about the Enneagram in the early 2000’s, but I didn’t really get into it until around five years ago. To say that it has been helpful is quite the understatement. I’ve always gotten a lot out of personality studies. StrengthsFinder was huge for Mandy and I when we first dug into it a decade ago, and the Enneagram has only added to this. As I’ve gotten more into the Enneagram, though, I have found it to be much deeper than anything else I’ve encountered. I feel that it’s difficult to exhaust all that I can learn through the Enneagram, and that’s what is so great about it.
This blog post presumes that the reader has at least a rudimentary understanding of the Enneagram and the nine types. If you don’t, or if you just need a refresher, check out Integrative Enneagram Solutions and The Enneagram Institute. My hope with this post is to give an example of how someone would go through the process of discerning one’s type.
When I first started reading several years ago, my first thought was that I might be a Three, but I had a couple of friends say that they didn’t see that. It was Mandy who first suggested that I might be a Seven. The Road Back to You, by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, was the first book I read cover to cover. I immediately dismissed the Seven as a possibility because of some of the stories the authors told. As I read that book, a Seven to me was personified by the class clown. It’s the person who is the life of the party. Neither of those have ever been me. So I quickly dismissed the Seven.
However, as I read more, and discussed it with Mandy and a couple of friends, I began to explore the idea that I had perhaps dismissed it too quickly. Learning about the triads was my first step towards the Seven. There are three triads, each made up of three of the numbers of the Enneagram.
There is the Body triad, made up of Eights, Nines and Ones. There is the Heart triad, made up of Twos, Threes and Fours. And then there is the Head triad, made up of Fives, Sixes and Sevens. As my study continued, I began to gravitate towards the Head triad. Those in the Head triad are driven by fear, though each number handles it differently. Fives externalize fear, Sixes internalize fear, and Sevens forget fear. When I read this, I knew that I was in the Head triad. I live in my head. And I am very driven by fear. So this meant that I was likely a Five, Six or Seven. I quickly dismissed the Six, so that left me with Five and Seven.
On this Typology podcast I learned about stances. Here’s what Ian Cron had to say:
“The social styles of the nine Enneagram types are divided into three stances: assertive, compliant, and withdrawn. Stances refer to the basic posture of each type and how they move in the world. The Assertive Stance (Types Three, Seven, Eight) moves against others and takes action to get their needs met. The Compliant Stance (Types One, Two, Six) moves toward others to meet their needs externally. The Withdrawing Stance (Types Four, Five, Nine) moves away from others by turning inward to find fulfillment.”
There are areas of this journey that have not always been clear, but this is definitely not one of them. I 100% am Assertive. This means that I am most likely a Three, Seven or Eight. If you want to read more on these stances, check out this article.
The final piece of discernment came when I heard this question: “What were you like in your early 20’s?” That was a very helpful question. Coming out of college, my biggest fear was that I would settle. Settle for doing what everyone else did or for living where everyone else lived. Settle for a typical job making a good salary. Those can be fine things, but I felt that I would be missing out on something more. I didn’t have a clue what that something more was, but it eventually took us to the SF Bay Area for further exploration. All of this is very typical of a Seven.
With each step in my journey I found myself moving closer to identifying as an Enneagram Seven. There are three areas that I believe all Seven’s have in common. They have to do with pain, authority and freedom. I’ll share the relationship I’ve had with each of these.
Pain
The need for a Seven is to avoid pain. Again, the way that we do that is through forgetting about it. I am an all star when it comes to reframing pain. When I was in college I gave a speech (in speech class) that was about a defining moment in my life. I talked about my parent’s divorce when I was four years old. In the speech I mentioned Romans 8:28, which says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I could say with certainty that God had taken something bad and had brought about good in my life. I am a glass half full guy. I’m an optimist. I don’t struggle to find the silver lining in any challenge or difficulty. I love that about me, but the Enneagram has helped me to understand what is behind that. It’s often due to the fact that I don’t want to sit with my pain.
A key question for a Seven is, “What do you do with your pain?” As an exercise at an Enneagram workshop I went to a couple of years ago, this question was asked of me, not once, but over and over again. My first response was, “What pain?” That seems to be the first response for most Seven’s. The reason the question is repeated is that you have to dig deeper. There is pain in all of us, but Sevens do an amazing job covering it up. But to grow in health, one must go to those places of pain and deal with them.
I’ve found that there are some major ramifications to this in marriage. Reframing someone else’s pain has gotten me in trouble quite often. It’s difficult. When Mandy lost her job this spring, I immediately saw the positives. In that moment I had a larger vision for her life than I probably ever had for mine. Yet what she needed in the weeks to come wasn’t optimism and strategy. She needed me to sit with her in her pain. To listen and to love. That does not come easy for me, but it’s a discipline that I must continue to work on, both for myself as well as for those I love.
Authority
A Seven dislikes authority. To be more specific, they don’t want to be under authority, and they really don’t want to be in authority over others. To a Seven, authority equals limitations and control. I see that playing out in my life time and again. I’ve been a working adult for twenty-five years, and during that time I have had a lot of jobs. In fact, I’ve pretty much always had more than one job at a time. But in those many jobs I have rarely been managed by others, and I’ve also rarely managed others. I would characterize my jobs primarily as solo entrepreneurship.
Twenty years ago I was living in the SF Bay Area pursuing a masters degree and preparing to start a church. One of my non-negotiables was that I wanted to do that with a team. Part of that was because I strongly valued community, but as I look back on that now, I see that it was also because I wanted a flat structure. I didn’t think anyone needed to be in charge. We would all figure it out together. I chuckle a bit as I write that. It rarely worked very well, but I now understand some of the reasons behind why I wanted it.
Freedom
The ultimate goal for a Seven is freedom. A Seven hates to be locked in. They want to keep their options open. Commitment is difficult for a Seven because it can push against the desire for freedom. This has always been a big theme in my life. I’m extremely flexible, and I embrace change almost too easily. I’ve even been known to blow something up that was going great simply because I felt locked in and got bored. I didn’t know I was doing it at the time, but I did it nonetheless. Thankfully I’ve grown a lot since then.
One of the ways that a Seven deals with pain or boredom is through planning. I love to plan, especially when it comes to travel and other adventures. I heard one Seven say that a Seven goes on vacation to plan his next vacation! Boy do I resonate with that. One month ago Mandy and I went on vacation to Mexico. A few weeks earlier I was afraid that the trip might be cancelled due to COVID-19 lockdown in Mexico. One morning I woke up really early thinking about this. I decided to plan a backup trip. Around thirty minutes later Mandy woke up, and I, in a way more excited state than is warranted for that early in the morning, proceeded to share with her how I was ready to book a trip to Miami. I had the flights and hotels already picked out, and I was doing it all with points! She looked at me for a moment, and then said, “I think we’re going to be able to go to Mexico.” Then she turned over and went back to sleep. I didn’t think about that trip again, but those thirty minutes of planning sure were fun!
Thinking through these three areas has really helped me to settle in on the fact that I am a Seven. This has helped me to dig deeper into my motivations. It’s helped me to ask deeper questions. It’s helped me to pause and really take notice of pain rather than immediately trying to reframe it. I’d like to think that this has helped me to become more healthy.
Where the Enneagram gets really interesting is when you learn about the subtypes. There are lots of helpful books on the Enneagram, but my favorite has to be The Complete Enneagram, by Beatrice Chestnut. She has done a lot of work on the subtypes. Each of the nine Enneagram types has three subtypes, so in reality there are actually 27 types.
When delving into the subtypes, you need to understand about instincts. There are three instincts, and each of the nine types has all three of them. There is the self-preservation instinct, which focuses attention on personal safety and security. There is the social instinct, which focuses attention on the greater good of the community. And there is the sexual instinct, which focuses attention on one-on-one relationships. We have all three instincts, but there is a dominant one for each of us.
I have spent the last couple of months learning about these instincts so as to seek to figure out which subtype I was. I knew that I wasn’t a Sexual Seven. These are the charismatic wooers. Not me. I’ve had a couple of friends suggest that I might be a Social Seven. It’s the countertype for Sevens where sacrifice becomes the theme. While I’ve seen that in myself at times, it’s not that dominant. I don’t like writing this here, but I care too much about having my own needs met to be a Social Seven.
After a lot of reading and assessing, I identify as a Self-Preservation Seven. Here’s how Beatrice Chestnut describes Self-Preservation Sevens:
“These Sevens are very practical, good at networking, and skilled at getting what they want and finding a good deal; they tend to be opportunistic, self-interested, pragmatic, calculating, and clever. They readily recognize opportunities for creating an advantage for themselves. Self-Preservation Sevens always have their nose to the wind for good opportunities. They find ways to get what they need and want, and they have an easy way of finding pathways to making things happen for themselves – whether it’s finding the right people, the most advantageous connections, or a fortuitous career opportunity. They have their ears to the ground and are socially adept. These Sevens make business connections and network easily because they are alert and mindful to the opportunities that come along that can support their survival. They hold the position that if you are not alert to opportunities, you will lose out.”
I resonate so much with this.
There is so much more I could write about. Not a week goes by when the Enneagram does not play a role in my thinking and conversations. I continue to learn more about myself through the Enneagram, and I truly hope that this has helped you see the potential of the Enneagram in doing the same!
I’ll end this post with a few resources. I earlier mentioned a couple of websites that are helpful for further exploration. I also mentioned a couple of good books. Two podcasts I recommend are Typology and Enneagram 2.0. And while online tests aren’t necessarily the best place to begin one’s journey of discerning one’s Enneagram type, they can be helpful. In my opinion the most comprehensive and helpful is definitely the IEQ9. If you’re not ready to spend the $60 it costs, you could also try the RHETI.
